same
So, I'm the same weight as I was when I started bloging. Its ok though, because I do fluctuate and sometimes can squeeze into my size 1 jeans. EVIL GRIN. Mostly my clothes are loose so that's good. If I diet hard, like when I did the juice diet, I could easily drop 5 like I did, without thinking about it, or drop 12 like I really want if I put my mind to it.

down!
Mood:  energetic
My body weight fluctuates so much! I am down 6 pounds for the past three days! I did start exercising, and with that I'm less hungry.  What gives? I recall when I was at a higher weight, if I skipped meals for 3 days, I might be lucky to lose a pound--even with exercise!  I know, I know, water weight.  I am on a direitic, and if I miss a dose for a day or two, I do gain.  I have to take it for health reasons s, but I'm also taking Xenadrine Energy 8-hour.   We'll see what happens.

The new year ...off to a slow start

What is it about this year? We went through a cold spell of -20 to -40 in the evenings, so we were lucky to get over zero during the day.  Sometime during that two weeks, I took a hiatus from the food logs, eating fresh healthy foods, and exercise. When the mornings are so cold, it's like a mental/physical pseudo hibernation that couldn't get my ass out of bed early enough to exercise.  I barely went to work.  What gives? Our house is warm--no drafts. It's not like when I was growing up with a wood stove. 

Oh I remember how hot it would get, and my mom or dad would stock the stove in the basement full for a cold snap.  Then the mornings! If the embers were still there, you hoped someone woke up early to put wood in the stove so getting ready for school wasn't miserable.   Ahh, memories of suffering! Well, not really, but compared to now...life has gotten easier in some ways. 

Losing weight hasn't gotten easier.  Last year I was 119. Now, sad to say, I'm not a size 3.  It's time to kick into gear, grab my personal trainer: that part of me that says "get moving, stay away from junk food, and quit whining.  Time to work on that hardbody." Yes, personal trainer in my brain, let's go!

holding on
The bad news is that I'm not eating well.  Candy, carbs, and fats. AND I haven't exercised in over 2 weeks. I guess the good news is that I am stil in a size 4. My goal weight is 115. I'm quite far off the mark now. When the weather is above zero I maybe more motivated. Right now I just want to be in bed all the time.

It's almost the weekend, it's not going to be like last weekend

So after I resigned myself from starvation, then I must have binged a tad Saturday and Sunday. I didn't exercise either.  By Monday I was back at my starting weight. Then, I didn't exercise all this week. Completely let go; I lack energy and craved crunchy, sweet, and filling food. Maybe I need to take some new diet pills. 

Mornings are so bleak these days. It's January, now it's super cold, below zero but I don't need this fat to keep warm!  Last year at this time, I was 117. I remember what it was like to be bony and have some shape to my butt. I wanted to be under 110.  I was able to put on a size 1 jeans one week, but wore a 3. Now I'd like to be 120.

2005-2006, I was at a shitty job and was stressed to the max. I did exercise at least 5 days a week even if I felt lazy. Though I was thin, I remember being frustrated that my husband didn't say a word about my weight loss. Sure I was being compared to an Ethiopan like the ones we saw on tv and I haven't had that much attention before, or since the past 6 months.  But I wasn't the center of my hubby's attention. Maybe if he touched these bones enough, he'd notice; maybe he didn't like it. Why do I need his approval? Really, it's quite ill to constantly try to please people all the time.

Now, I'm a size larger than a year ago. What happened to me?  Well,  I do tend to indulge at times.  I had fois gras for the first time the other day.  It was Francis' favorite recipe I got from The Restaurant Guys Radio.  I followed it exactly and was impressed wtih my gourmet abilities. It was a different taste than what we expected.  Well, it ought to be divine; that lobe alone was over $100.  We still have half of it left over which we will eat tomorrow.  How many calories were in that meal? One thing for SURE, both my hubby and I were FULL for the entire night after eating it.  Usually my body wants to eat every 2 hours, so that was a welcome thing, I guess I'll look at it that way.

Fois gras, pate, and truffles was what my husband gave me for xmas.  I talked about them non-stop for two weeks.  Then I forgot all about it and didn't mention it for the past couple months. Not to sound selfish, but he benefitted just as much as I did for the foods, but he did remind me that he listens to me, tries to please me, and that he tries new things. 

A bag of baby carrots filled me up at work, and I have been avoiding the free bread that I get there and was eating every morning at 9. I even skipped lunch 3 days and are hard to resist because they are free. They cooked Thai noodles on Tuesday, and I couldn't say no to Thai.  That day, and most days this week I sat at my desk over lunch, and tried not to eat much. I tried not to work for at least 1/2 hour during the day.  I wanted to stay at work because I wasn't hungry when I was I there, at least not lately.

I gave in
Mood:  don't ask

This morning I was up 1.5 # from yesterday.  I ate 1280 cal. yesterday. I did my morning workout, 30 min. tread. I've been hungry all day, and craving sugars. I gave in. I had candy, chips, cookies! Was it negative reinforcement? I didn't avoid fats and carbs today because I gained this morning. It was like why even try? If I'm gaining even though I have given a strong effort, where's the payoff? 

Thing is, I was in a good mood most of the day. Even driving home I noticed I was happy.  Then I remembered someone at work who makes my life hell, and now I'm in the dumps again. I can't let that person ruin my weekend, but it's like my estatic happiness was over.  Then, to make matters worse, as if I'm not insecure enough, someone stole money at work. I worked late the other night, and saw only one other person in my building. I am the new person, and I'm dark skinned. Hmmm. why do I feel like a suspect? I hate that.  I haven't been confronted so maybe it was taken before I worked late, and maybe it was during the day or something. Must be that people trust me. I'm a very trustworthy person. It really bothers me when I'm profiled. Maybe it happened today. Maybe it didn't. Nonetheless, it lowered my happiness at work. Maybe I was so happy just to leave?  

 Ok. Today's a waste and it's not even over. I have to stay away from food--and bitches.

slow going

Ok, it's not like I expect to keep losing at this rate, but it's slowing down. I feel like I'm getting into the difficult part now. I worked out 1/2 hour this morning. I felt good. Got to work and yesterday at work, felt like crap. I was deliberately left out of a high end meeting that has everthing to do with my job description. Like my opinion doesn't matter and whatever the consultants and management decices, I'll have to do I guess. I like to feel appreciated and that I can provide a contribution, or at least have a clue as to where this department is going.

Today it was a little better. I have been grouchy, worried about my hubbys heart condition which just started happening in the last week. He's in his mid 20's and this is just not normal, and I'm overall tired, but not sleepy. He's not sleeping. Then Oh yeah, tonight I was hungry. I got in 1270 calories. 

Weight: -6.5 since day one of the blog.  Maybe not healthy to lose quickly, but I know it's not fat, as I cannot see back bones, chest and hip bones yet .  Iwas so hungry tonight for salty muchies. I'm going to bed to avoid late night temptations.

How much food is enough? Iam I passifying myself to deal with the stress? Can I find other activities that remove that sweet tooth. Must get answer now.  

Losing....but I'm so tired

30 min treadmill

Weight -2.5 since yesterday!! YEAH!! ok. Must keep on with this trend.  I'm so tired past two days. I'm eating ok, skipping the extra helpings, candies, and the xmas snacks. Ok, I haven't skipped all the goodies. Last night when I sat at the couch watching tv, I instinctively reached over to the coffee table and grabbed the Church candy/pnut bag.  I had to have a little sugar, but geez I can't believe how easy it is to graze.

going down

30 min treadmill.

Weight: -2 #

 I was 7 # over my before-holiday weight. So, some of the weight lost today was holiday bloat. I am hungry though, and tired. I didn't sleep well last nite (4.5 hours) b/c I have a cold and was a little stressed about going back to work after the long break. 

Here we go

30 min. treadmill.  I will try to go on it 5/x week, every morning. 

Weight: <undisclosed>